


When you’re gone

by akfanficlove



Series: Don't you want my teenage dream? - A Dalton AU [7]
Category: Glee
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Confessions, Drunken Confessions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Homophobia, Hurt, M/M, Memories, POV Sebastian Smythe, Seblaine friendship, Triggers, seblaine endgame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:33:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26069521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akfanficlove/pseuds/akfanficlove
Summary: This is a deeper insight in the feelings of one Sebastian Smythe. About his hidden fears, his hidden pain, his hidden past he never talks about. He gets drunk on a weekday and breaks down in Blaine's arms who tries his best to offer comfort and his own painful story. Will this confession bring them closer together or drive them further away? Fluffy in the end to help soothe the ache.Warnings for this chapter: Homophobia, character death, suicide – though all just mentioned. For everyone who feels triggered by this, just go to the end of this chapter for a summary and skip this chapter.
Relationships: Blaine Anderson/Sebastian Smythe, Sebastian Smythe/Original Character(s)
Series: Don't you want my teenage dream? - A Dalton AU [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1853698
Kudos: 35





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, warnings for this chapter: Homophobia, character death, suicide – though all just mentioned. For everyone who feels triggered by this, just go to the end of this chapter for a summary and skip this chapter.  
> For everyone else: We finally find out who Frédéric was and why Sebastian is so reluctant to talk about him.

“Ouch!”, he yelps. He almost falls down the stairs because his voice seems so loud in the empty halls. Or maybe it’s because of the six – _Seven? Eight? Ten? He lost count…_ – drinks he had. Man, he’s really out of shape since Blaine came back and he started spending his weekend nights with him instead of at Scandals. _Not that there is anything scandalous about Scandals_ , he thinks and snickers, probably a little too loud.

“Whoops!” Another step of the stairs surprises him. This time, he falls the last steps up and it’s probably only due to Lacrosse training his reflexes because his arms reach out and he catches himself just in time before his face hits the floor.

“Phew, lucky me for saving my petty face!”, he murmurs and wait, there’s something wrong with the words but he can’t really decipher what. He just wants the world to stop the fuck spinning and he’s not sure if that was grammatically correct either. He pulls the rest of his limbs up until he’s on the first floor with his whole body. On his hands and knees but it’s not that _this_ is an unknown position. He snorts, _gosh, when did he become so funny?_

It’s still a good 10 meters to his dorm room but maybe he should just sleep here, on the floor? It feels rather comfortable for a marble floor… is this even marble? He doesn’t know if one could feel the difference? Maybe he could make a job out of that and –

“Sebastian?” It’s a soft noise and he’s not even sure it’s there anyway. For all he knows, it could be the whiskey playing his brain. Or the rum. Or the vodka.

He opens his eyes – _when did he close them?_ – and lifts his head a little but he can’t see much.

“Sebastian, is that you? What are you doing here?” The voice is soft but irritated and it must be in his head because he knows that voice, he just doesn’t know to whom it belongs. But it’s melodic and kind and it makes a warmth spread in his belly (though that could be the whiskey, too. Or the rum. Or the vodka.)

“Sebastian, are you alright? Should I call someone?” The voice is worried and it’s coming closer until it touches his shoulder. _Wait, that doesn’t sound right, voices can’t touch you, like, physically touch you, right? Right? God, why does the world spin so fast?_

“Wow, you smell like a whole bottle of tequila. Are you drunk, Sebastian? Hey! Look at me!” The voice is still warm and gentle but more urgent now and it makes Sebastian’s head throb.

“Ugh, not s’loud, m’head…”, he mumbles. He feels a hand brushing the hair out of his face and lit by the fading moonlight kneels a little angel right in front of him. His eyes are wide, his brows furrowed and his curls free. They look so soft, Sebastian thinks and reaches out to touch them when he loses his balance and if it wasn’t for the little angel, he would have **definitely** hurt his face this time. Sebastian giggles, the little angel just sighs, and this sigh reminds him of…

“Blaine?” Sebastian pushes himself back up a little and yes, this is definitely Blaine Anderson kneeling and holding him here. Wow, that must’ve been something stronger that alcohol in his last drink… He hears Blaine sigh again.

“Come on, Seb, let me help you…” He helps Sebastian get up and supports him as they walk together to his room. Blaine unlocks the door – _does he have a key to his room? Wait, where is **his** key?_ – and maneuvers Sebastian inside to close the door again. “Alright, there we are, let’s get you into bed…” He all but pushes Sebastian onto his bed.

Sebastian smirks and traces a finger down Blaine’s jaw. “You joining me, Killer?”, he purrs and Blaine laughs softly. He really, really likes Blaine’s laugh.

“Thanks for the offer but I have to decline. Even if I wanted to, I doubt you could handle that right now, Seb.” Sebastian pouts. He might be a little uncoordinated, but he could still rock Blaine’s world – not that would take much, considering Blaine was with Kurt and _what does Kurt Hummel know about fucking someone properly?_

When he hears Blaine laugh, he realizes he said all of that out loud, yet Blaine doesn’t make any move to join him on his bed. He **does** attempt to open his belt and get him out of his jeans, though, but only to cover him with a blanket when Sebastian’s only in his boxers and t-shirt. _Spoilsport_.

“Okay, wait right here, I’ll get you some Advil and water.” When he walks towards Seb’s bathroom, he keeps talking: “Why are you even drunk, Sebastian? It’s the middle of the night on a Wednesday, no holiday, no birthday party. What could possibly be the reason for a celebration with yourself, Jack, Johnny and the Captain? Here, take this.”

Sebastian complies. He doesn’t want to think about Blaine’s question because he thinks forgetting the answer was the ultimate goal on his little mission tonight. He also feels the warmth Blaine’s voice created seep out of his body when he thinks about the date of this Wednesday night, it being replaced with a chill that has him shaking underneath the duvet.

“Donwanna talk abouit…”, he says and feels Blaine’s hand brush the hair out of his forehead again. It’s a good feeling and he puts his own hand on top of Blaine’s when he tries to pull away. Blaine’s hand is warm and Sebastian is so cold. It’s dark in his room but he sees the worry in Blaine’s eyes anyways. This isn’t right, Blaine shouldn’t be worried about him.

“’s okay, Killer, ‘m fine. Stop lookin’ like that…”, he mumbles into Blaine’s wrist and gives it a soft kiss before snuggling into the sheets. When Blaine attempts to get up and leave the room, Sebastian whines softly. “Pl’se don’t go. Donwanna be alone now…” He doesn’t know why he says it, he just wants to keep Blaine’s warmth close for one more minute. He sees Blaine hesitating before he sighs and lays down on the sheets with a soft “Scoot over, Sebastian…”

Sebastian’s eyes close and he’s slowly drifting off to sleep when Blaine starts threading his fingers through his hair. It’s just so soothing and it reminds him of how his Maman used to do this when he was sick or sad. Back in Paris. Paris. He also remembers how he did it for Frédéric the night he came out to his family after debating with Sebastian for months if he even should say something, Sebastian stating again and again that your sexuality isn’t something you should hide from your family.

He still wonders if everything could’ve been different if he hadn’t been so persistent. If he hadn’t pressured him to do something because Sebastian thought it was right. But what did he know?

“Hey, shhh, what’s wrong, Seb? Talk to me…” He hears Blaine whisper while his thumb wipes over his wet cheeks. _When did he start crying?_

“Maybe if I hadn’t been so insistent, he could still be alive today, B… maybe if I had been a better friend, a better ally, a better… I don’t know… maybe he could still be here, and everything would be alright.” A sob leaves his throat without permission and he’s way too wasted to will the tears to stop spilling from his eyes.

“I don’t know who you’re talking about, Seb, who died?”

 _Died._ What an understatement… “He didn’t just _die_ , Blaine. I _killed_ him! If it wasn’t for me, he probably would’ve never told a soul. I _made_ him tell them, tell the whole world, and that’s what broke him, _I broke him_ …”

He feels arms wrap around him and he shouldn’t let himself be comforted like that, but he can’t help how much he needs Blaine to hold him together right now. He nuzzles his head in the crook between Blaine’s neck and his shoulder and whispers. “It’s all my fault that Frédéric is dead…”

Blaine scrunches his nose. Here he is on a Wednesday night at 3am, holding a hysterical Sebastian in his arms and, _wow, does he feel useless._ He knows the name Frédéric, Sebastian mentioned him once during their phone calls – but he only knows that he was a friend of Sebastian and killed himself only a few months before Sebastian transferred to the US. And apparently, he was gay. W _hy would Sebastian think he’s responsible for his death?_

“Sebastian, this can’t be true, you are not responsible for that… We both know how it feels to come out to people who are not supporting of our sexuality, but you can’t really blame yourself for encouraging him to be himself…” Sebastian just cries harder.

“But he – he didn’t want to. He – he was afraid, B, he was so _scared_. Paris is an open city but his parents, gosh, you don’t know his parents. We”, he sniffs, “we always said that once we’re old enough, we’d run away together. Leave everyone behind. Go somewhere where no one knows us. It was childish, a dream, but sometimes when we were together, I could really see that, you know? I could… I could imagine it. Him and me. Us. Against the world. And then suddenly… he was gone. Just like that.”

Blaine sees that the tears have dried when he looks down at Sebastian. His eyes are puffy and red and Blaine has to resist the urge to kiss his forehead. He looks so small and vulnerable and it breaks Blaine’s heart.

“I thought when I came here, I could change, let no one close enough to hurt me or let me hurt them. But then… then _you_ came and I was stupid and jealous and you had to jump in front of him, didn't you? And I… I fucked up again. Again, Blaine. Someone I cared about was hurt again because of me. So, it _has_ to be my fault, how can it not? My parent’s divorce, Frédéric’s death, your eye…”, he chokes on his words but it's only a dry cough that causes, no more tears.

The great Sebastian Smythe completely robbed from his suave ways and signature smirk and left was only a boy that carried way too much pain and guilt on his shoulders. Blaine holds him a little closer again. “It’s okay, Seb, we talked about that. It was stupid, it was a mistake but look at me: I’m fine. More than fine. And… and I’ve been through worse, believe me.”

He sees it in Sebastian’s eyes that he doesn’t believe him. So, he tells Sebastian. He tells him about broken ribs and broken limps. About broken self-confidence and fear. About how grateful he was to be able to hide beneath a uniform when he eventually came here and how that uniform helped him grow into something else, someone else. Sebastian listens, no questions, just listens. And when he’s done telling his story, he realizes that Sebastian’s arm is tight around his waist now as good as he can lying next to him.

“It’s his birthday. Would have been his birthday. Today, well, yesterday. He would’ve turned 18 this year. Old enough to chase our stupid dream of running away. I just realized that yesterday and it, well, hit me kind of hard. I still remember how we celebrated his 16th birthday, his last birthday. He had just come out to his parents and let’s just say, they were very much not happy with it. They weren’t outright mean, they just, I don’t know, stopped caring? So, there was no big party or anything. Just the two of us at our favorite spot, the roof of an abandoned house from where you could see the whole city. He had been sad for months and I just wanted to see him smile. So when I gave him my gift, I kissed him. We weren’t, I don’t know, we weren’t, like, a couple, we never really had _the talk_ or anything. We were just… us. We cared about each other. He was probably one of the few people I ever loved. And this night… I don’t know, we didn’t stop at kissing, you know what I mean? It was… magical. It had never been like that before. I had never been like that before, so nervous and so insecure, suddenly. But with him… I didn’t care. We didn’t care.”

Sebastian sighs and closes his eyes. He could still see Frédéric’s smile, how he laughed when he saw Sebastian’s hands tremble, how his eyes went wide when Sebastian kissed down his body.

“He was so happy - we were so happy. At least, I thought so. Because two weeks later… two weeks later, he was gone. And I was alone. Hurting. I still don’t get it. I still wonder if it was me who pressured him to come out. Maybe he would still be alive if I had kept my distance, if I hadn’t fallen in love with him and if I hadn’t made him tell everyone because I wanted everyone to know.”

“It’s not your fault, Seb. I’m so sorry that this happened to you and him. But it was his decision to tell everyone, it was his decision to end it. There is nothing you could’ve done. You’re a good person, as much as you like to deny that, Seb. You care about people and you are willing to listen when someone comes searching for your help. You might try to push people away by snapping and yelling at them, but I see right through your act. I saw that you scheduled extra practice hours with Jeff to help him with his dancing and I saw the extra French notes you took for Nick when he felt like he’d fail his exam.”

Blaine begins threading his fingers through Seb’s hair again.

“I saw how much you wanted to make me laugh again when you found me after my phone call with Kurt. I don’t know how your relationship with Frédéric was but I assure you, you’re not as persuasive as you like to think: Even you couldn’t make someone do something he is not convinced is right. And as awful as it ended, it was most definitely not your fault. Okay?”

He feels a slow nod beneath his chin.

“Okay. Now, let’s sleep, yeah? It is a school day today, so we better get some rest.”

He hears Sebastian groan and smiles as he kicks his legs until he can pull the blanket over both their bodies. Sebastian’s snuggling even closer but Blaine finds that he doesn’t really mind. He starts humming melodies until he feels Sebastian’s breath flatten and deepen. Only then, he allows himself to fall asleep.

It’s a blinding light that travels right through his eyes into his pounding head when Sebastian wakes up. The spot next to him is empty, he discovers with a pang of his heart. But then he looks towards the clock on his nightstand. 10:34 the digits say and, _shit, he should be in class, why didn’t Blaine wake him?_ His head, _ugh_ , his whole body hurts and he grabs his phone only to see a text from Blaine:

_Advil and water are on your desk, a sandwich and some iced coffee in the mini-fridge next to your bed. I’ll come around with your homework after class. And don’t worry, I called you in sick today mourning! See you later ;-)_

Sebastian smiles involuntarily and, indeed, there are pills and water on his desk. He takes some, texts back a quick _Thanks a lot, Killer!_ and nestles down into his sheets again. There’s still a faint smell of Blaine’s cologne and raspberry hair gel on one of his pillows and Sebastian falls asleep again thinking how he very much doesn’t mind that his sheets smell like Blaine Anderson. He’s sound asleep before he can dive in further into the question why.


	2. Next work: A place that was never really for me

The next work for my #Don'tyouwantmyTeenageDream? - series is online!

**Summary** :

Blaine plans his 18th birthday party but he is worried about inviting his New Direction-friends – what if they haven’t forgiven him for leaving? Nick isn't helpful so he calls Sam and they have a really honest heart-to-heart. More Blam-friendship than Seblaine but that was necessary.

[Read it here!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26070631)

**Author's Note:**

> Summary: Blaine finds Sebastian stumbling through the Dalton halls on a Wednesday. He takes him to his room and wants to know why Sebastian would get drunk on a weekday. Sebastian tells him about Frédéric in Paris, the only guy he was ever in love with. He took his own life when he came out and his family didn’t approve. Sebastian is the one who found him. Blaine comforts Sebastian until he falls asleep and realizes that Sebastian might be more than what meets the eye.
> 
> I know that this was some heavy stuff. I can't imagine how hard it must be as gay kid to come out to a family/ friends who disapprove. How much it must hurt. How afraid one must feel.  
> What I can understand is feeling overwhelmed by your problems and wishing that they would just stop. So if you're dealing with some stuff now: Doing something drastic like taking your own life, hurting yourself or - like Sebastian - using alcohol to forget can never be a solution. I am a firm believer in admitting that some things you can't do on your own and that it's not weak to reach out and ask for help - even reach out to strangers. There are hotlines, networks, professionals who can help you. Especially in times like these, we all have to take care of orselves and our mental health. For me, writing always helped me set feelings free and deal with them. Reading always helped me in bringing me happiness and glee. I hope this is something I can provide to you with maybe not this chapter but this whole story! The next chapter is way lighter :)


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